I was letting myself scroll through socials a bit today - the usual mixture of benign doomscroll and looking for something to respond to/post to stories - when I saw something that struck me. It was a simple video with audio taken from a major male influencer talking about worshipping the few women who “have the gods in their eyes.“ It claimed that these few, precious women have the power to make great positive change in a man’s life (paraphrasing because he used much more flowery language

This sort of content only reaches my algorithm when someone is making a comment on it that aligns with what the algorithm predicts will match my personal beliefs, so the person who posted was explaining that this is a super dehumanizing way to view women because it leaves no room to see the humanity (beautiful imperfection) in those chosen few. While I agree, I want to focus on a different aspect of this dynamic. The group of people (incels and similar) who talk like the man in that audio act like and might even claim that they worship women - at least the select, perfect, ethereal yet approachable few - but what they offer is decidedly not worship. It's a demand. It’s transactional. You don't make demands as a devotee. You make requests and you Love whatever you get or risk receiving nothing further (or worse in the case of most deities).

Let’s set aside for a moment the knowledge that women are human and not something higher (at least not more than any other human). What do you think of when you think of worship? What words come up? For me, some of those words are “devoted“, “curious“, and “unconditional“. I wasn’t raised with any specific faith. My parents spent time exploring different faiths in my childhood and never fully committed to any one of them. However, I’ve seen that those words often come up when people who have committed to a path talk about their faith.

Are those words or similar what comes to mind when you think of the way incels, “nice guys“, etc treat, talk about, and view women? To my eyes, no. Let’s break it down and I’ll use Christianity as an example of worship (because it permeates so much of U.S. culture that I now know a lot about it despite never being a member.)

Like most faiths, in Christianity you don’t have the ability to ask the God how he/she/they’d like to be worshipped. You can research God through the Bible, attend Church sermons, and discuss with fellow believers and thought leaders, but most people ultimately can’t get that info directly from the tap. If they could, and God said the best way to worship is to wear a truck nuts on their belt instead of a cross around the neck, they would. Devotees/worshipers want to worship their deity in a way that pleases the deity. It’s common sense. Additionally, like dieties, every woman (and every person) likes to be “worshiped“ differently. The subset of incel (or similar) that claims or talks as if they worship women is doing something different. Despite having the unique ability to commune with the object of their worship and learn what they actually want, this group of people has decided they know better and have chosen to ignore what actual, physical women say they want in favor of their own created reality. Instead of getting curious to learn what any specific woman wants from a partner, members of these groups have created a cartoonish idea of what a woman is and wants, and then attempted to apply the sort of worship this amalgamation would want to every real-life, breathing, they seek out. unique woman

[Here I would insert a gif of the classic Adam Savage quote - “I reject your reality and substitute my own“ if I could be bothered]

So, we’ve struck “curious“ and arguably “devoted“ from the list, but there’s still more to cover on devotion. If you worship the Christian God incorrectly - by worshiping a golden calf after you were explicitly told God doesn’t want that, for example - it wouldn’t be very surprising to find your prayers unanswered or a punishment in your future. You don’t blame God for your choice to worship incorrectly; you take responsibility and choose to learn and do better next time so that you can build a better relationship with God. However, when the unasked-for and often pushy advances, “nice guy“ behaviours, and, shockingly often, straight-up lies don’t catch a devoted partner, the members of the incel and similar groups become angry, frustrated, and bitter. They blame the women and, in some cases, become physically unsafe to any nearby women. That doesn’t sound like worship to me.

Never mind that the “worship“ offered in the first place was disingenuous because it wasn’t unconditional - our final point. When Christians don’t get what they pray for immediately, they don’t usually blame God. “God works in mysterious ways.“ You can’t expect God to work on your timeline or give you the exact path you want for yourself. A similar concept applies to women and dating. Even if you do listen, you learn, and you do everything “right“, you probably won’t have the perfect Happily Ever After you pictured in your head. Life has more nuance than a romanticized memory montage of a dead wife, fortunately. Without even a little suffering, we’d have no frame of reference to appreciate how wonderful other things are. Things can get rocky early on in relationships - once you’re around enough to see a person’s annoying quirks, bad habits, and other beautiful imperfections. The sort of black and white thinking employed by incels, nice guys, etc struggles when faced with that level of nuance in a person. It’s dualistic, and it’s lonely. Duality, as defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “the quality or state of having two different or opposite parts or elements”. That black/white, all good/all bad mindset creates a lot of optional pain and stress in every relationship, including with yourself.

People from these groups who “worship“ women often expect the ideal, perfect woman to act as some sort of (usually subservient) savior, but the women they idealize are just people. They’re human first, and so are you. It is not reasonable to expect another human to put their personal growth on pause to funnel all of their energy into yours, regardless of how they look or what they were born with between their legs. The work to improve your life and relationships and learn how to love yourself and experience healthy community is human work, and it is available to all.

This power to build a fulfilling life lives in every human, including you.

For shorter form content on this and other interpersonal topics, find me on most of your favorite apps as @hedonic.flow.

There are, however, whole people who have signed up to do the work of guiding you in this. They were born to offer those gifts and they usually accept money in return. They come in the form of coaches, therapists, counselors, etc. Unfortunately, while I know enough to cover the broad strokes and some details of this topic from my own experience on both sides of it, I’m not the coach to help break the incel-esque mindset and thought habits. My services cater more toward tempering limerence (which has some overlap with incels), exploring personal authenticity, and building a life based on your core values (which involves the other two topics). If that sounds like what you need, let’s see if we’re a fit! Head to the link at the top of the page to request a free discovery call.

However, many of an incel’s struggles are a result of living in a dualistic mindset, which is something I will be exploring in my upcoming blog posts and paid offerings. In the next few weeks, I’ll be finalizing and releasing my Personal Relationship Inventory worksheet, which helps you take an honest inventory of your personal relationship with any person or concept - girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, boss, job, religion, trees, whatever. I’m not judging. It’ll be easily customizable and duplicable to support your specific needs (just in case) because it will be available through a free notes app. I built this thing to help me figure out if I even wanted to reconnect with someone who went No Contact with me were the opportunity to present itself (a story for another post). It helped me gain a holistic view of the person/situation and enough clarity to chill out and make a more nuanced decision that’s genuinely best for my life.

Then, later this year (if there’s enough demand), I’ll be launching a one-year newsletter series discussing the 365 daily lessons from A Course in Miracles - basically daily baby steps toward escaping the duality and dualistic mindsets that cause so much optional distress.

Seek a teacher. Learn what you can. Rinse and repeat until you aren't constantly bitter, frustrated, and/or angry.

You got this 💙

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